Thursday, August 25, 2011
A little more soap? And more than you ever needed to know about me.
It felt so good the past few days to make soap.
I have missed it so very much, and probably would have made even more if I hadn't run out of coconut oil.
And of course I finished up my spree with an old standby.
Nothing beats a coffee kitchen soap. This one also has essential oils of peppermint and lemongrass. The lemongrass was a sub for my usual Valencia orange, and I like it so much, I think it will be the new blend!
Now the heavy stuff.
There are so many things that went wrong last year, and my business went down when I did (so to speak). It makes me so sad, because I was actually doing really well; selling more and more, getting more repeat customers, you name it. But all the stress I was feeling (buying a house, trying to find work, moving, money just generally trying to do too much at once) combined with a healthy dose of depression/anxiety (which I foolishly thought I had "beaten" a few years before) was too much for me and I cracked. Big time.
I don't talk much about this stuff here. My blog is my one, true happy place where I can share the good things and come back and look at them whenever I am feeling down. But making soap again was such a big deal, I just had to blather on a bit.
When I really started to crash last year, the thing I was most embroiled in, my business, became the biggest association with all the bad feelings going on. Logically, I knew making soap wasn't causing all of my problems, but emotionally they were linked, and I couldn't turn that part of my brain off for a long time. At first, I could barely plan a batch without starting to panic. As it got worse, I couldn't even walk into my soap kitchen downstairs, let alone think about making anything in there.
I failed. I lost my sales, my customers, my small but growing bit of income -- but most of all, my confidence, not only in my products, but in myself.
I fell back into an old and despised pattern of second-guessing everything I made or did. I was afraid to send stuff off to people -- afraid it wasn't good enough, or that someone would call me out as the poseur I felt I must surely be.
And you know what? I was finally able to come out of all that enough to accept that none of that made any sense at all. It took a good fifteen months to start feeling a little more normal, but I'm getting there. And if I try to get back into selling my products, it will be very gradually and very carefully. I can't stand the thought of losing it all over again. I already have a plan in place for certain changes I'll be making. And I think I can do it, as long as I can keep my head above water in the rest of my life.
And if you made it down this far, I've saved the prettiest batch of soap for last. I'd hate to leave you with something as crappy as the state of my brain, so here goes: Topped with juniper berries and sprinkled with cranberry seeds throughout, this soap has a fragrance like a sweet concord grape wine.
And thanks for letting me talk. :)